Rantings of a sane mind

Perchè volete voi ch’io rinnovi nel cuore la miseria di mia vita? Mi fu noia spiacque tutto ch’altrui piaceva. Nemica ebbi la luce, amica ebbi la notte. ove su dal silenzio di me stesso nata e dal fondo dell’eterna doglia, simile alla sorgente che disseta e simile alla fiamma che riarde, freschezza e incendio, lenimento e piaga, or torbido ruggente come fiaccola, or mite come lampada, una visitatrice si chinave su me, quasi a nudurirsi dell’assidua mia vegilis; e, quando si partiva al trenar delle stelle, non più foco, nè fonte era. Ma il vostro viso... ... il vostro viso mostrava ella nudato al mio dolor. The above para is from the opera,"Francesca da Rimini" by Ricardo Zandonai. The translated verse in English is Why do you want me to revive in my heart the misery of my life? I was bored and displeased with everything that others liked, My enemy was the daylight, my friend the night, when in the silence born of myself and the depths of eternal ...

C aught in quite a lot of work, I was at the end of my wits wondering what to do. Time didn't just fly. It went supersonic. I really did not miss her much 'cause To really love a woman to understand her you've got to know what deep inside hear every thought, see every dream and give her wings when she wants to fly and when you find yourself lying helpless, in her arms You know you really love a woman When you love a woman you tell her that she's really woman When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one She needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever So tell me have you ever really really, reallly ever loved a woman? To really love a woman to let her hold you till you know how she needs to be touched you've gotta breath her and really taste her until you can feel her in your blood when you can see your unborn children in her eyes You know you really love a woman When you love a woman you tell her that she...

The start of a new year brought both joy and sorrow. Joy, 'cause she was there to wish me a happy new year; sorrow 'cause I was sick and therefore I couldn't spend much time with her. She was concerned on my health. She wanted me to see a doctor. But she knew that I would not heed her. She always looked a little more beautiful when she was angry. Her eyes smouldering and her lips upturned were a delight to watch. I was listening to some msuic when she came visiting. Don Williams was crooning a lovely touching song. You're my friend when I'm hungry. You're my shelter from troubled winds. You're my anchor in life's ocean. But most of all you're my best friend. When I need hope and inspiration; You are always strong when I'm tired and weak. I could search this whole world over, You'd still be everything that I need. I enjoyed her company, my only bright spot for the past couple of days.

This year I am not there with her to spend the New Year's eve. But she'll be home tomorrow. I know that I'll be seeing her again. I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident. - Sir Hugh Walpole

Sometime back, someone had asked me about the chess incident. He asked is it right that I had to stop playing because she didn't like losing. I think he is wrong. When a man loves a woman, Can't keep his mind on nothin' else. He'd change the world, For the good thing he's found. There are somethings that someone might do for love.

The past couple of days, she has not been in my mind. I don't know whether to feel happy or sad. One half of my heart says that I am doing fine, while the other says that I am missing her. Je ne sais pas ce que je devrais faire.

The day after Christmas, I really missed her. The incident at the church and a meeting with a few of my friends brought back painful memories. Memories of friendship and pangings of love. Getting into a bus to go home, I noticed a girl sitting across the aisle. In my mind, I felt it was her sitting there. Her small mannerisms reminded me of her. I could stop noticing the girl. I knew the girl was feeling kind of uneasy at my staring. It took a conscious effort to lose that thought and fade off to sleep. I wonder when I will be seeing her again.

It's Christmas. Hurray!!! Joy to the world, The Lord is born. Christmas morn saw me reminiscing about her. Wished I could wished her "Merry Christmas". The floodgate of memories burst open when I was in church. An incident at the church triggered it. I was standing outside the church when I noticed two small kids, a boy of 6/7 years and a girl maybe 5/6 years old. They were looking at each other, thier dresses, thier difference in lifestyles. The boy seemed to from a well-to-do family while the girl was not of the same social status of the boy. I could see the girl looking at the boy with wonder, his clothes, all sparkling new. He had a water-bottle strapped around his arms. She looked at the boy with curiosity. I saw her comparing her clothes with the boy's. She was also well dressed but not as well dressed as the boy. No words were exchanged during these five minutes between them. Only looks were exchanged. The girl's were those of curiosity and the ...

T'was the day before Christmas. Didn't have time to think about her. I wonder why?

Two days to Christmas, I was tied up in work. I am trying to bury myself in work like an ostrich. But I know that my mind is not always on the work at hand, but on a person somewhere else. The nights are pure hell. I often try to sleep, but it is her I always see in my dreams night after night. I heard a song playing in the background last evening. I accept You from the hands of my God. Ch: You are God's gift to me, a beautiful gift. This gift of love, God has given me. I'm sorry I caused You pain. I'm sorry I offended You. May God wipe those tears from your eyes. May the God heal the hurt within You. From this day we live in love together in the love of our God. You are precious to me, You're my guide In your joys and your griefs, I'm with You Though the song is a religious one, it touched my heart deep within. I felt a calm peace prevade my heart. I listened to the song again and again. Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what...

I go to sleep trying not to dream of her. I don't want to wake up in the night and find myself alone. I want to let go of her. I know it is hard and it is difficult. I want to get on with my life. But I don't want to let her go. I am not an actor. But now, I am becoming one. I am torn between a choice of being a friend or a lover.

I was distraught because I couldn't meet her before she left. Checking my mailbox for any updates, I found her mail buried under several mails promising quite a lot of things. I had almost sent it to trash before I read it. Nothing much from her, except that she had reached safely. Her friends were very happy and excited because she's spending the Christmas with them. She also sounded a little sad because she will not be home for Christmas this time. I could do nothing but shoot off a reply to her. ..... Christmas is a time for joy. I know that not spending it at home does not bring joy. But Christmas is not always joy. It means quite a lot of things to us than just joy. It means sharing; it means giving. It means having to make sacrifices. It means to remember our souls of our beliefs. I guess I am getting too philospohical here. But don't worry, Enjoy this Christmas with your friends. Get out into the city and enjoy it. Remember what I used to say,"Life life to t...

Yesterday was a total disaster. She was leaving that night and I was trying desperately to reach her home on time. When I finally did, she wasn't there. Her mother said she had gone to a relative's place. Waiting for her, I looked around me. Her touch could be seen everywhere in her house. From a painting that hung on the wall to the precisely arranged flowers on the table. God, how would my home look if she looked after it. Her photo albums offered a glimpse of her life down the years. I hadn't really noticed how she had changed over the years. I found it difficult to believe that they were pictures of the same girl I knew. Maybe it is true that love is blind. She always looked lovely whenever she wore skirts. Her room had the presence of an intelligent woman. Books lay neatly arranged in shelves with academic related ones on one shelf and other books on another. An elegant crucifix adorned the top shelf. Her desk too was arranged so neat. I recalled her saying that ...

Unlike last year, we will not be together this Christmas, I am off to spend Christmas with a few relatives this time. Last Christmas was one of the best Christmases I had ever had. The spirit of Christmas was so much evident everywhere I went. Fun and joy marked those days and nights. It is remarkable how the songs I listen to are also so moody. Here are a couple of songs that I am hearing currently: Blue Christmas and Have yourself a merry little Christmas. I'll have a Blue Christmas without you. I'll be so blue thinking about you. Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree, Won't mean a thing if you're not here with me. I'll have a Blue Christmas that's certain. And when that blue heartache starts hurtin'. You'll be doin' all right, with your Christmas of white, But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas. words and music by Billy Hayes and Jay Johnson "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is a really a sad, sad song of l...

As we had dinner last night, she seemed to be a little upset again. She looked so lonely, lost in her thoughts. My queries were met with a sad smile. She said nothing. She didn't want to. Sensing her discomfort, I quickly steered to other topics. I asked her idea of a dream job. "I want a job that is only between 9-5. No extra work, I want to come home and enjoy the household work." "A 9-5 job. No extra work. Nice to hear. But is it practical? What about your career?" "I guess that a job like that would also mean that I cannot be a career woman." "No, you can be one if you learn to balance your professional and personal lives." "I want me to give my best to both lives." "Certainly, but there may be times when you might have to forgo any one." "What does that mean?" "The boundaries of personal and professional lives are not rigid. They may overlap at times. It depends on how you face...

That thin line between us, the line between friendship and love, seems to be a wide chasm. I know I should not cross it. I know I cannot cross it. I want to say that 'I love you'. I want to shout it out loud. But it is one song I cannot sing. It is one melody I cannot play for her. Because I know I am just a friend to her. A mighty pain to love it is, And 't is a pain that pain to miss; But of all pains, the greatest pain It is to love, but love in vain. from Anacreon , vii. Gold. , Abraham Cowley Last night, she called me to know how I was coping with my sickness. I said a single word, durabo . She understood. She always did. Then we spoke a lot about our mutual friends, what I was doing and what she was doing. It really feels good to speak with her for two days in a row. It brings back memories of the days when we used to spend our time together every evening, sharing jokes and stories. After it was over, I realized we never spoke about our yesterday's topic. Sh...

Last night, I called her after several moments of indecision. Speaking to her, I found that she was troubled by her work. She is worried whether she is doing the right thing. She has this sense of uneasiness deep within her. I could understand what she was telling. Behind all those problems of her, I could sense her innermost fear of insecurity. She's trying hard to overcome it, yet there have been times when she has let it engulf her. I sensed it in her voice yesterday. Staying in different cities has been beneficial, instead of being detrimental. My feelings have been growing stronger and stronger. I am beginning to understand that there is more to life. It could be said that I am also trying to distance myself from her. I have greatly avoided going to the city where she's living now, despite pressures from all sides. All my best friends and relatives have been pestering me to come there; that I would have a wonderful time there. I had resisted thier pleas till now. But I...

It is going to be a hard decision to take, whether to heed my heart or listen to my head. One moment, I am all ready to tell her my love for her and the very next moment, I am confused and scared to see her. Must I be content with watching from afar? This feeling of being trapped between two different worlds frightens me. Some may call it hell. I believe that Hell is not a place, it's a state of mind and body; Hell is obsession with a voice, a face, a name... Hers ... The one thing I had feared all these years was the fear of rejection. I know that she is the right woman for me. But lately the serpent of self-doubt has been nagging at every corner of my soul. The unanswerable question keeps surfacing now and then like a cloud on a warm summer day. 'Am I the right person for her?' She has helped me through my bad days, my sick days and my blue days. Her cheerful voice has brought me succour from the worries of the world. Yet the same voice would frighten me, bring en...

I spoke about walking away yesterday. On second thoughts, I realized that I would be walking away from just my emotions. I still harbour my feelings for her deep within my heart. Maybe one day they will come out in the sunshine. This period of indecision seems so hard that I am often torn between the fight between my head and my heart in the words of Chris de Burgh: For we cannot live together, and we cannot live apart, It's the classical dilemma between the head and the heart; ..... And in my heart of darkness she has been the only light, I am lost in love, looking at her face, And still I hear the voice of reason, Telling me to chase these dreams away, Oh here we go again, we're divided from the start, For we cannot live together, and we cannot live apart, It's the classical dilemma between the head and the heart, ... Now the dawn begins, and still I cannot sleep, My head is spinning round but now the way is clear to me, There is nothing left, nothing left to...